


What Am I Without You?

by Sapphic_R



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Drugs, F/F, Flashbacks, Hospitals, References to Drugs, Softness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-04 17:04:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15845607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphic_R/pseuds/Sapphic_R
Summary: Continuation from the end of season 6 (DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED SEASON 6)“Hey.” Although Piper’s face lit up when she saw Alex, her smile was filled with sadness as she placed her palm against the glass that separated them.Centered around Alex's struggle in prison without Piper, and with the introduction of a ghost from her past with a grudge.





	1. New Roomie

**Author's Note:**

> This is just my projection about where the series could go. Please don't hate me for the angst and the original character idea. Comments are welcomed!

Alex awoke slowly to the familiar racket of the Litchfield Max facility. The feelings of dread and regret she was only too used to washed over her as they did every day upon the sad realisation of where she was, but today it was worse. Oh it was so much worse. The previous day’s events flooded into her mind like memories of a particularly nasty nightmare, and she felt like hiding from her new reality underneath the confines of her blanket for the foreseeable future. A life without Piper was not one she was willing to face; inside prison or in general. A prison stay without Carol’s tight hold over the pathetic ‘Badison’ just made the situation even more unappealing, even if Carol’s murder did mean that Alex could avoid the trouble she had just waded out into. All in all, life was miserable right now, and although she should be happy for her wife (and she was, really), she was lonely and incomplete without her.

Someone was loitering at her door, and Alex groaned upon looking up to see Badison staring at her.

“To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” Her sarcasm couldn’t be more obvious, and it elicited a scoff from the unwanted visitor.

“I thought I’d check that Gapman’s release hadn’t killed you off.” Badison’s eyes were alight with malice, an indication that she didn’t give even the tiniest of shits.

“Oh how sweet of you, it’s so nice to know you’re looking out for me.” Alex kept her face deadpan. She had always taken pride in her snarky remarks.

“Always, Vause, always.” Mock concern was exaggerated by one hand crossing her chest, quickly to be removed as she added- “Nah I’m really here out of the goodness of my heart to let you in on my intel.”

As much as she tried to hide it, Alex’s interest was visibly sparked.

“Yeah, I thought so.” Badison laughed unkindly. “You’re gonna love it, Vause.”

Alex became uneasy, this was clearly something Badison was enjoying having a hold of.

“No, seriously, Vause,” she continued in response to Alex’s pained look, “you’re getting a new roomie! You can get your hands on some fresh blood for a rebound!” Hand gestures accompanied the statement that sent pure disgust right to Alex’s core. But she was confused.

“Why would I get a new roomie? I have one of your fellow idiots for company, and as far as I know, she’s far too dumb to be up for release anytime soon.”

“See this is where you need to be careful, Vause. You need to watch your language, and don’t just assume you know everything around here.” She smirked. “She’s moving in with me now Gapman’s gone, so your cell’s ready to be filled by one of the new cookies coming in today.” And with a final cruel smile, she was gone, leaving Alex feeling slightly nauseous at the possibilities that had just been opened up.

***

“Alex, what’s wrong?” Piper’s timid question pierced the silence that had briefly followed Alex’s distracted responses to her stories from the outside. It was a good question; what _was_  wrong?

Sure enough, later that day there had been a couple of new arrivals in C-Block. A young girl with tattooed arms and long, dark straight hair had watched Alex’s eyes follow her to her cell, which they were now apparently sharing. She looked familiar in a strange way. She looked at Alex in an odd way too, and was she imagining it, or had this new girl looked at Alex as though she knew exactly who she was?

“It’s nothing Pipes, I’m fine.” She lied through the phone, hoping her voice wouldn’t give her away again. As much as she wanted to confide in the love of her life, she really did not need Piper worrying about her when there was so much she should be enjoying on the outside.

“Al I’m worried about you in there, I saw on the news about Carol and Barb, what’s the reaction been like? Are the gangs still at war? Is that Badison bitch trying to take full control now? And actually, is she treating you okay? She’s not trying to get at you now I’m gone is she? Wha-”

“Woah okay, Pipes slow down!” Alex couldn’t help but laugh at her wife’s characteristic trait of carrying on asking questions without leaving time for answers. It felt so good to hear her voice though, so she didn’t really mind the inevitable interrogation.

“Sorry. I just need to know! I need to know you’re okay. Please talk.”

“Okay. Okay.” She sighed. “Those two fuckers finishing each other off was a godsend. The gangs died down at the kickball game when the idiots realised we could actually use a chance to have some fun in here and the colour of our uniforms doesn’t mean a damned thing-”

“Oh thank goodness! You know, I really hoped restarting kickball could do just that? Prison needs lightening up!” Piper interrupted, and the smile was evident in her voice. “Sorry, carry on.”

“No it’s okay, I’m glad your hard work paid off.” Her smirk was clearly apparent in her voice as Piper protested (“I did put a lot of work into it!”), but she was only kidding. In all honesty, the whole prison had Piper to thank for that war being ended in such a friendly way before it had even really began. She continued to tell Piper about yesterday’s events and the strange atmosphere about the place that existed in the sudden absence of the two most powerful inmates. Many of the mindless followers seemed lost and it had become clear almost immediately that there would soon be new leaders. As much as Alex wanted to be positive, she confided her fears to Piper that it would soon be back to how it was, as even though the initiators of the rivalry were gone, no one in the facility had ever known any difference.

“Well you’ll just have to see what happens Alex, with kickball and a new perspective, people can change!” Piper’s brightness couldn’t fail to bring a smile to Alex’s face, but she stopped short when her eyes drifted across the common area and fell on a sight that rocked her. Her new roomie was staring at her. Even when they locked eyes, the new girl didn’t look away.

“Alex? Al, are you still there?”

She was brought back to her senses. “Yes. Yes I’m here, sorry, what were you saying?”

“Are you sure everything’s okay? You seem distracted.”

“I’m fine Pipes, sorry I just saw Nicky cleaning across the room, actually do you mind if we wrap it up soon so I can catch her before she goes back to D-Block?” She wasn’t sure why she was making this up and not just telling Piper the truth, but in all honesty, she had a bad feeling about this and didn’t want Piper worrying and telling her off for being paranoid again. Paranoid about Kubra being after her. Surely this couldn’t be anything to do with that? Shit, could it?

“Oh, yeah sure, okay.” Piper was deflated. “I love you Alex Vause, stay safe.”

“I will, Pipes, love you too.”

As bad as she felt in doing this, she had to know more, so she hung up the phone and headed to the table where the new girl sat alone. Their eyes locked across the room and remained so until Alex was stood opposite her.

“Hey, mind if I sit here?” The girl shrugged. So she sat down across the table. “I’m Alex by the way, I believe we share a cell now?”

“Alex Vause. Yeah. I know who you are.” Alex froze as the girl continued to stare into her eyes. “I’m Ryan. And we do share a cell, it was arranged especially.”

A nervous laugh escaped Alex’s mouth as she questioned this.

“You appeared on a video that was leaked from a prison riot when you were supposed to be dead. Aydin was supposed to kill you, yet it would seem that it happened the other way around. Am I right?” She pouted.

Blood pounded to her head as Alex tried to process what this Ryan girl had just said. They knew, of course they knew. She should have expected this but she had been so wound up with Piper it hadn’t even crossed her mind that Kubra would have seen the videos and learned about Aydin. Shit. Shit shit shit. Now there was even more reason for him to go after her, and it would seem this time he was making sure she was finished. The hired murderer had been put in her cell. This was the end.

Ryan leaned down to whisper in her ear as she got up from the table. “If you’re lucky, I’ll even let you pick the colour of the shiv.” Chuckling to herself, Ryan left Alex, who looked and felt like she was about to pass out.


	2. Beg.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex learns more about her new roomie, and finds comfort in a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to include Nicky and Alex being soft, because let's face it, there wasn't enough of that.

Still in shock at the reveal of who her new roomie was, Alex had taken solace in the library. It was quiet, and there were books, which were something in which she had found comfort for as long as she could remember. Books always had the magic to transport her away from whatever struggles she faced, even if they were just the pathetic law books that this miserable place held. Maybe she could prolong her existence for a short while if she hid in here, and besides, it wouldn’t be so bad if the last thing she did was something she loved. _Loved._

Her mind drifted to Piper as she lay down on the floor with the book she had picked at random. _Piper._ Why had she lied? That may be the last time they would speak, and Alex had lied, telling her everything was fine, when it had since transpired that everything was as far from fine as it could possibly be. Fuck knows what was about to happen to her now and whether Piper would ever see her wife alive again. As the fear of her imminent attack took a hold of her, Alex couldn’t help but feel an immense sadness for Piper- the one person whom Alex seemed to really matter to- and that sadness was interwoven with the guilt of not being honest about her situation. Maybe she should call again, or just hope against hope she could last until visitation. It would be better to talk in person.

Alex was unsure as to how long she had been lying there, absorbed in the somewhat interesting text, when a small cough made her jump. She wasn’t alone.

“Jeez Vause, what you doing down there?” 

Alex looked up at the kaki uniform and crazy curls. “I’m plotting to overthrow the guards and run off into the sunset,” she joked, “c’mon Nicky, what does it look like?” She gestured to her book, but couldn’t help but laugh at her friend’s intrigued expression.

“Well if you were, you know you can count me in, right?” Nicky laughed as she sat down beside her.

“Seriously though, what are you doing reading-” She paused to check the cover, “The Best Defense.. Ooh! You really are trying to get out of here to go after blondie!” Nicky’s childlike amusement brought a weak smile to Alex’s face as she thought about how nice that would be. But there was no chance of that happening.

“The only way I’m gonna be out of here anytime soon is in a coffin.” She addressed the floor as she spoke, her voice coming out even deeper than usual.

A concerned hand landed on her shoulder as the blonde spoke. “Uuuhh something I should know? Don’t you go bottling it Vause, I know they say married life across the bars is tough and everything, but it’s only been a day, she can’t have found someone else already!” 

Alex’s laugh turned into a stifled sniffle as she felt tears welling up at the thought of Piper.

Nicky’s wild eyes darted around as genuine concern crossed her face. “Hey, no, Alex I didn’t mean it! She loves you, you two will be just fine, I know it. I’m your priest, remember? I know everything.” She crossed her heart, shut her eyes and then pointed to the sky, immediately breaking out into a sweet smile at Alex’s bemused but slightly cheered expression.

“Yo seriously, Vause, what’s up, you miss her?”

“No it’s not that. I mean, yeah, of course I do, but that’s not what’s so pressing right now.” She looked down, scared that her friend would see the fear in her eyes. All of a sudden she was being pulled into a gentle hug. 

“Am I the only one getting déjà vu here?” Nicky chuckled.

“My cell mate’s going to kill me.” She said it without emotion into the blonde’s shoulder.

Beat.

“What? What did you do? Did she catch you and Piper saying your goodbyes?” Nicky’s smirk dropped instantly as Alex pulled away so she could display her deadly serious, but tear streaked face. “You can’t be serious? She’s not.. _literally.._ ” She trailed off as Alex buried her head in her hands. “Alex?”

So she told Nicky everything, pausing to let out a sob here and there. She told her about Ryan and Kubra, and even about lying to Piper so she wouldn’t be worried. This was one hell of a mess. 

“First off, don’t beat yourself up about blondie. You didn’t even know there was a problem when you spoke to her, right? So what’s the issue?” 

“I lied to her, Nicky. And I might.. I might not be able to speak to her again. But I don’t want to tell her now, because you know her, she’ll worry way too much and probably do something stupid to try and help. Maybe even landing herself back in here.”

“Okay, okay, so forget about Piper for now. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Yet.” She added the last word with a wink. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Anyway Vause, let’s focus on keeping your smoking hot ass alive and well. Have you tried talking to her?”

Alex raised her eyebrow. As if _talking_ would be any use whatsoever here.

“You never know.” Nicky shrugged. “Maybe she has a sob story you could wrench out of her and use to your advantage. Or you could send her my way? Maybe I could help her take her mind off you?” This wink wink, nudge nudge situation would have been hilarious to Alex, and she would have played along had it been for almost any other reason.

“Seriously Nichols. I’m about to be murdered in my sleep, and you’re thinking about sex?”

“Girl’s gotta dream.” 

Alex was disgusted. 

“No, I’m sorry Vause, in all seriousness, I don’t really know what we can do short of snitching and trying to get you moved.” 

“But that would only make it worse.”

“But that would only make it worse.” Nicky repeated.

The two pondered in silence for a little while, before the dinner announcement made them both jump.

“Well, I guess here’s where we say farewell, my friend.” The blonde pulled the brunette into a tight hug as they stood up, before adding, “Please try your hardest to keep breathing, I don’t think I could cope with losing you.”

*** 

It was nearing lights out, and Alex was waiting nervously in her cell for Ryan to arrive for their first (and potentially last) night together. She was sat on her lower bunk, absent-mindedly tracing the lines between the bricks when her roomie waltzed in, smirking.

“I can’t believe that loser calls herself ‘ _Badison_ ’, I mean, how _desperate_ can you _get_?” Ryan was laughing to herself.

Alex was taken by surprise at this outburst, and was unsure whether she was talking to her or herself, so Alex just nodded shyly in agreement. The newbie then started frantically busying herself with something at the desk, muttering every now and again.

“Um, are you okay?” Alex decided to bite the bullet and try making some sort of conversation. “The first night inside can be rough.” She almost felt sorry for her, maybe Kubra had gotten her sent down on purpose. At such a young age as well, that must be hard.

The girl turned sharply, an all too fake smile plastered across her face. “Of course. I’m finding it quite interesting actually, the power play and the losers. Similar to the outside, but much more intense.” She turned back to the desk, leaving Alex slightly shocked.

The girl was sweet and almost had an innocence about her underneath the tough exterior she evidently tried to portray. In a strange, alarming way, this girl was reminding her a bit of Piper. And she was exactly the type of person Alex would have recruited as a mule back in those days. If she wasn’t so young, it would have made sense to assume that she was indeed one of them.

“What are you in for? You can only be, what, 20?” She was trying her luck. 

“19, actually. And duh, I’m in for the same as you. Actually, _because_ of you.”

Ah.

“Kubra sent you? He’s so petty he’s willing to fuck up a 19 year old’s life for me?” Alex couldn’t hide her anger and felt her voice raising, but Ryan laughed, stirring uneasiness.

“There’s not much left to fuck up. Thanks to you.”

Alex froze at the insinuation.

“Yeah, that’s right. The mess I’m in? It’s down to you.” The 19 year old spoke quietly. “Of course Kubra wants you dead, but I was already on my way in here when he asked the favour. He knew my grudge, I barely needed persuading.” She stopped to look Alex in the eye. 

The uneasiness had become a hurricane, threatening to engulf her from within as she looked at the girl opposite her. She couldn’t muster the strength to speak, dreading the answers she knew she would receive if she asked the questions on the tip of her tongue.

“Alex Vause. The evil woman who took my mom away from me, when I was only seven. Are you listening to me? Do you even remember her? No, I didn’t think so. She was just another one of your pathetic, expendable little mules. But do you know what? She was my mom, she was there for me and I loved her, and after what you got her into? She was never there for me again.” There was anger and sadness in her voice as Ryan stopped short of breaking down into tears. 

Alex couldn’t believe it. No, this couldn’t be happening. Fuck. Fuck! The guilt of the lives she affected stayed locked in a secure compartment of her mind, never to be touched as she did what she needed to do for her job. She avoided thinking about this at all costs, hoping to never have to face up to it. As she looked up at the girl so broken in front of her, it hit her hard what an absolute dick she had been. She would snap these people up without a second thought.

“I’m.. sorry.” She said eventually. How pathetic it must sound. But she meant it.

“You’re _sorry?!_ Sorry for what? For ruining my mom’s life? Or my life? Or just sorry that it’s caught up with you?” 

In all honesty, she didn’t know. 

“She overdosed within a year you know?” 

No. No, really? How could she have forced this shit onto people. Maybe she should just end it herself and save poor Ryan the trouble. 

“I was left to the system. Because of you. Kubra sent someone to make sure I wasn’t going to tell anyone about anything. They scared me into saving your neck. Then eventually, a few years ago they got back in touch and got me working. I hated it, I didn’t want to become what you were, but I was messed up and I was broke.”

“Same, kid. I never wanted to be involved-”

“I don’t want your sob story. I want you to understand what you did to me, and why you deserve to die.”

Tears were welling in Alex’s eyes as she agreed. No matter how different she was now, that she had Piper.. oh poor Piper. She had undeniably been a bitch and this girl had every right to hate her. 

“Wait what?” Ryan stood up in her confusion and started pacing the small room. “You’re not supposed to agree with me. You’re not supposed to be _nice_ , you’re meant to be the evil bitch who ruined me, and I’m meant to make you _beg._ I want to see you begging as I get my revenge.” She was disappointed. 

“Sometimes you build moments up so much that they can never meet your expectations.” Alex spoke softly, sadly, thinking back to the moments (of a completely different nature) that she had built up too high. Meeting her father for instance. 

“Well this just fucking sucks.” Although Ryan was facing away from her, she could see the shiv in her hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has her first visit from Piper, but worries about her wife's safety on the outside.

**_12 years ago_ **

 “Mommy has to go away for a while, but I’ll be back soon darling, I promise! Now, you’ll be good for your Aunt Aida while I’m away, won’t you, and we’ll tell each other all about our adventures when we see next each other. I love you, Ryan.”

 “Love you Mommy, please don’t go.” She cried.

 Seven year old Ryan Rivers held onto her mother, begging her to stay, while the tall, dark haired woman with the black glasses just stood impatiently in the doorway. Ryan was scared, she didn’t know where her mom was going or when she would be back; what if the strange woman took her away forever? Eventually her mom crossed the living room and joined the woman in the doorway for a final wave, before the door closed behind her. Ryan felt abandoned. She hated her Aunt Aida, and the feeling was mutual.

 A week later when her mother returned, Ryan knew instantly that something was wrong. When she ran to hug her, she was pushed away, and the woman she loved so much and looked up to seemed somewhat unsteady. Little did Ryan know that her mom would never be the same again.

  ** _Present day_**

Ryan sat on the desk stool watching Alex as she slept. She must have finally given in to the tiredness, or just accepted that she may never wake up. Either way, this woman was nothing like what she had expected. From what she had learned over the years, Alex Vause was a manipulative drug smuggler who ruined the lives of everyone in her wake, and yet she came across as an almost decent person. Ryan hated herself for thinking it, but from their time spent together so far, her resent for the woman was slowly ebbing away. A vulnerable and frightened side to Alex had been revealed last night at the prospect of attack, but Ryan was never going to use the shiv, all she wanted was power. She always put on a more powerful front than what was true to her tiny, innocent physique in the hope that people would respect her. If she was going to take Alex down, it was going to be via a longer, more painful game than a simple shiv attack.

 ***

 Alex couldn’t believe she had fallen asleep. How could she have fallen asleep?! But she had woken up too. Although, thinking about it, Ryan would have to be pretty stupid to kill her straight away, and it would be obvious who had done it. A murder charge at 19 on top of the drug charges was definitely not desirable.

Upon sitting up, Alex noticed something sticking out from underneath her pillow and threw the tiny bag in horror when she realised instantly what it was. She remained frozen in panic as the world seemed to stop turning. _Heroin._ So this was the game, planting drugs or maybe more than just drugs, and multiplying her sentence? _Fuck._

  _‘For you- R x_

_P.S. Should we send your wife a little gift too?’_

Double fuck.

 Alex read and reread the note that had been left with the bag, panic threatening to suffocate her. They’d be able to find Piper easily on the outside, she had to warn her, hell she needed to be out there protecting her. Piper _needed_ her, but here she was, incarcerated.

 Hastily flushing the powdered poison, but knowing she could not be rid of the problem that easily, Alex headed out to breakfast.

 It was so strange being here without Piper, so lonely. She scanned the tables for people she could tolerate and settled for Red, who, in Carol’s absence had somewhat regained her maternal status.

 “Can I sit here?” Alex asked tentatively.

 “Be my guest.” Red gestured to the space and smiled weakly up her. “So. Chapman left you, huh?” The harsh Russian accent exaggerated the coldness of the question.

 “She got out.” Alex sighed. “And she promised to wait for me.” She added with a raised eyebrow.

 “Ha! Let me know how it goes. Remember when she got bored of you before, no? That annoying Aussie girl suddenly appeared.”

 Alex could feel anger bubbling up inside her. How dare the woman have such little faith in Piper.

 “Do you mind? I came over to have breakfast, not have my relationships analysed and insulted.” She came across shorter than what was intended, but it worked, and took the older woman by surprise.

 “Actually, I have something for you.” Red reached to pass something under the table and Alex looked down curiously, all negative emotions suddenly lifting as her hand clasped around the black eyeliner pen.

 “How did you get this in?” Alex laughed, grateful.

 “Ways and means.” Red smirked, evidently pleased with herself.

 The two women spent the rest of their short time sat together making small conversation, before Alex finished eating and rushed off to apply the eyeliner that completed her look before finding a book, or Nicky. Or maybe both.

 ***

 Visitation day came around sooner than expected, and Alex had still not sorted out exactly what she was going to say to Piper when she was called through to the visitation room. Guilt and anxiety were not the emotions she wanted to be greeting her wife with on her first visit, and Alex loathed herself for the situation.

 “Hey.” Although Piper’s face lit up when she saw Alex, her smile was filled with sadness as she placed her palm against the glass that separated them.

 “Hey.” Alex replied softly, reaching to press her own palm against the glass as if in effort to convince them both that their hands were touching.

 “This.. _Sucks.”_ Alex tried to hide that her voice was breaking into sobs by laughing, but Piper saw right through it.

 “Hey, no, it’s okay. Well, I guess it’s not.. not _really_. But I’m here! I can finally _see_ you again. And it. is. _so_. g _ood._ ” Piper stuck with her smile, but it was obvious that she was also fighting to hold the tears back.

 “It’s good to see you too, Pipes.” Alex managed a smile, and the tears were at bay. Progress.

 “How are you doing?” The dreaded question. Was now the time to be brutally honest? She might not get another chance.

 “Honestly?” Their eyes locked. “I got a new roomie.” Piper’s eyes widened in surprise. “And she works for Kubra.”

 There was silence as Piper digested this revelation.

 “I think she’s trying to get me more time-”

 “WHAT?” Piper’s voice echoed around the room, attracting attention from the nearby guards.

 “Sorry. What? What do you mean more time? You can’t get more time, I need you out here, you need to be careful, Al.”

 “Of course I’m being careful! Hey, it’s not like I _want_ to get more time! But what can I do when I get caught with fucking _heroin_ under my pillow or in my pockets because she wants stupid fucking revenge?!” Alex spat the last words of her frantic whispers.

 “You could go to a guard?” Alex scoffed, seriously? “No, listen to me Al, it worked for me, didn’t it?”

 Alex didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was probably her deal with Carol that fixed the Badison situation rather than Piper’s deal with Hopper.

 “I’m not sure they’d buy that again, Piper.” She looked down as she spoke. “And I know it’s the truth!” She added as the blonde started to speak. “But guard’s aren’t exactly the most decent people on this planet.”

 “No, I suppose they might get suspicious of a repeat. Shit, Al, what do we do?”

 “Woah, woah. We?” She stared at Piper, both pleased and angered that she wanted to help. “ _You_ aren’t going to do anything.” She replied to the nod. “I need you to stay well away from this, and out of trouble, okay?”

 Piper protested again. Of course she would want to help, but Alex couldn’t risk putting the love of her life in harm’s way. Again. Alex couldn’t help but worry that Piper already _was_ in danger because of her, she couldn’t let it get any worse. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if anything happened to this woman.

 “Piper.” She said it seriously, accompanying her serious gaze.

 “Alex.” The reply was sweet.

 “Stay out of it. Do you hear me? Don’t go _looking_ for him. And, god forbid it, if he finds you say we broke up, say you hate me, say whatever the fuck you need to, and get away. Please.” She was crying as she finished speaking.

 “Oh Al. How is this happening?” Her voice was sad and quiet, but she understood. Thank god.

The subject changed and the two spoke for a while about Piper's new life on the outside, but before they knew it, their time was up. The goodbyes were heart-breaking. Why the hell was visitation so god damned short? Tears filled Alex’s eyes as she looked back for one final wave before she exited the room. Holding on tightly to that beautiful image of her wife in her mind, Alex headed quietly back to C-Block, dreading what she knew awaited her.

 Earlier that week, Alex had made a deal with Ryan to ensure Piper’s safety. As Piper was clearly well and living without disturbance, it was time to satisfy her side of the agreement.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the story so far! Kudos and comments are very much appreciated.


	4. Hello Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's emotional distress reaches breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter contains drug usage, so please avoid reading it if you struggle with that*
> 
> Okay, so at this point I feel like I also need to clarify that I really, really love Alex, and this chapter is not me hating on her, it’s her hating on herself in her distress (I’m an angst junkie, okay?). My writing is basically her thoughts, if you hadn’t picked up on that already.

Her head was spinning as she sat on the bed. It wasn’t a huge dose, but apparently her tolerance had dropped over the long break she’d taken from her ex. Hahaha her ex. She thought back to that time she’d described heroin as a girlfriend in front of all those people to get at Piper.. it all seems so trivial now. Being mad at Piper, being in minimum security, having friends. _Fuuck._ Everything was trivial. What did she need to worry about? She could just lie down on this bed forever and let the comforting calmness wash over her body. As much as she hated to admit it, Alex had missed this feeling. This escape from her feelings and reality. The temptation had been there before but there had been plenty of distraction and rational thought to combat it, unlike now where it had been almost forced upon her. Almost. Ha. Ryan had wanted her to take it all along, and knowing she’d been an addict before made it so easy for her. But what Ryan didn’t know, was that this feeling was so fucking great it really didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing at all. Alex had no cares in the world and could finally relax into an amused state of calm.

*** 

“What the fuck Vause? You look terrible.” Nicky’s voice drilled into her head as they hung out in the library, something that had become a frequent occurrence. “Wait. Hang on, I know that look. _Fuck._ Seriously? What the fuck did you take?” Her eyes were filled with concern and a hint of disappointment. 

Alex hung her head in shame. Nicky of all people should not have to see her like this. She was such an idiot and should have tried harder to refuse. She shouldn’t have made the deal to help Ryan get the shit in, and she definitely shouldn’t have taken it. This was so fucked up. The high felt great, but it wasn’t worth the low. On the other hand, because of her help, Piper was safe. And Piper’s safety mattered more to Alex than her own.

“Alex.” Nicky was practically shouting.

“ _Okay_. Nichols, keep it down.” She was about to explode into a mess of tears any minute. “She made me do it.. I have to do it to protect Piper..” and the rest was spoken inaudibly into her hands.

“What? Do _what_ to protect Piper? This better not be what I think it is. Fuck. How could you?” Nicky’s anger and disappointment was all Alex needed. The threshold had been reached. 

To her surprise, Nicky pulled Alex into a super tight embrace and held her as she cried, gently stroking her hair. No words were needed. Nicky could understand the feeling better than anyone else, and her actions were louder and better than any words of comfort. 

How long Nicky had held her there, Alex had no idea, but it was time to sit up and attempt her explanation for a second time. Nicky was the perfect friend, letting her speak, really listening and trying to understand what was going on. If only they were in the same block. 

After a silence fell, Nicky piped up with a different subject. “Something that might cheer you up and take your mind off things- they  _finally_ let Lorna out!” 

“Oh!” Alex hadn’t expected this, she’d barely thought about Lorna and her baby recently, what a great friend she was. “How is she? And the kid?”

“Yeah they’re fine, apparently it was touch and go for a while, but Vinnie’s got the kid and he’s doing good. Lorna’s obviously in a state having to be away, but she’ll be fine.” Nicky nodded and frowned at the floor.

“You really love her don’t you.” Alex’s words caused Nicky to jump up sharply. 

“What makes you say that?” She was defensive and Alex almost laughed.

“You care so much, it’s sweet.” 

“It fucking hurts.” Nicky’s voice was void of emotion, but she broke out into a fit of giggles when Alex showed her _‘Love is pain’_ tattoo in response. Alex found herself laughing too, and it felt so good. They laughed and smiled at each other for a while, each somehow holding the other’s broken pieces together long enough to forget about them. 

*** 

Alex cried herself to sleep that night, her mind exaggerating all of the things she had to feel guilty about right now. Top of the list was Piper. Everything messed up about Piper was Alex’s fault to start with, but then, if she hadn’t done those things, they wouldn’t be together. But she had ruined the poor girl’s life to cater to her selfish needs. She was a terrible person. Second on the list was Aydin. Of course she still carried the overwhelming guilt of his murder. She had watched the life leave his fucking eyes as she forced it out, and that would haunt her forever. God, she was a monster. And then there was Ryan. A broken, living reminder of all the lives she had practically ruined. Ryan was also the gateway thought to the drugs she was helping to smuggle in, using her expert experience in the field. By doing this, she was hurting even more people, and hurting herself too by relapsing. Her whole fucking life was such a fucking mess. The only good thing about life was Piper, and she was on the other side of the bars, untouchable for years. How the hell was she going to cope for that long in here? 

*** 

“I heard you crying last night.” Ryan’s voice was cold and unwelcome. 

“Aaand?” Alex raised her eyebrows and shoulders in her moody response. 

“I got some more shit if you need it.” 

“No. No thank you. I don’t need it.” Alex kept her voice flat, uninterested. 

“Uuuhh yeah. Ya do. And you know it. Once an addict, always an addict.” And singing that, she swept out of the tiny room. 

Fuck. Why did this girl keep getting to her? She wanted to scream and cry and throw things across the room, but most of all, she wanted another high. It was eating away at her, all of this guilt and emotion, and the drugs took that away. Or maybe they took her away? Either way, the words she had spoken a lifetime ago came back to her: ‘ _heroin was the best girlfriend I ever had.’_ And now that girlfriend was begging to hook up again. Alex hated herself for even considering going there again, but at this point, she was fighting a losing battle with herself. 

Stepping out into the common area sent ripples of anxiety through her body as what she was seeing dawned on her. Ryan was climbing the social hierarchy to the top of C-Block, most likely with the aid of the shit she had coming in, and she shiv she kept handy and yet somehow never seen by any guards. The girl was out of her depth in her hunger for power, however, upon closer inspection, people were actually scared of her. It bought a smile to Alex’s face to see Badison put in her place when she interrupted one of Ryan’s exchanges. She knew how to play, Alex could give the young girl that. Ryan’s eyes met hers across the room, and Alex couldn’t quite put her finger on the look she was greeted with. Was it satisfaction? Or a gloating smile? Or something else? 

The two roommates sat together a little while later, finishing off breakfast and making a painfully forced attempt at friendly conversation. It was Ryan who had sat at Alex’s otherwise empty table, much to the taller woman’s dismay. But as they sat, Alex took the time to really look at the girl in front of her. Her pale face was kind, innocent underneath the heavy eyeliner, dark purple lipstick and the long, dark side-fringe that covered her right eye. The girl was fairly small and skinny, with tattoos working their way up her arms. One that particularly caught Alex’s attention was of a wilting flower amongst thorns. How symbolic. 

“You like them?” Ryan’s eyes had followed the older woman’s eyes to her inked arms. 

“Yeah, tattoos are cool.” She forced a smile and received one in return. 

“Hey, let’s get high together!” 

“What?” Alex was momentarily stunned. 

“You heard me. Let’s go chill out, come on.” She smiled and gestured to their cell. Alex begrudgingly followed her across the room.  

*** 

It was already too late when Alex’s fuzzy mind realised that she had been played. It was a fucking genius move though, she’d give the girl that. But anyway, the blissful feeling of warmth and calmness was back and Alex was quite happy in its embrace, whether Ryan had joined her on this adventure or not, despite the girl’s promise. 

“Nicky,” She whispered loudly into the relative silence of the library a little while later after she decided to head on a physical adventure too.

“Heeyy Vause!” The head of curls came around the corner but stopped immediately at the sight that greeted her. “What the fuck? Again?” 

“Hahaha what?” Alex laughed, what could Nicky possibly be annoyed about, everything was great. 

“You, my friend, are high as a kite.” She spat, dragging Alex to sit in an unoccupied aisle. “Now tell me what went on.” 

Everything Alex said just seemed to make things worse, and she couldn’t understand. She was so relaxed, surely her friend could see that this was better than the emotional wreak she would be otherwise. 

Nicky’s sudden dissolve into tears bought Alex to her senses slightly, however, as this was no regular occurrence. Maybe Nicky was actually concerned?

“Don’t be like me, Alex, please.” Nicky sobbed, hugging her tightly, before dragging her up to walk back to the dorms. “This a really fucking slippery slope, and I want you to go sleep it off and find me to talk properly tomorrow. I’ll be there for you, emotional wreck or not, it’s better than this. Trust me.”

Back in her bunk, Alex sat on her bed for a little while, thinking. Deep down, she agreed with what Nicky had said, but those rational thoughts were very distant. Maybe Nicky was right, some sleep sounded like a good idea. After all, she was feeling quite drowsy.

Closing her eyes, Alex embraced the blackness that welcomed her, listening to her slowed heart rate and feeling the gentle breaths rising and falling in her chest, she was there.

***

Ryan looked over Alex’s sleeping form. She was definitely asleep. The young girl was proud of how quickly she had managed to break Alex down into an anxious and emotional addict headed back down that dangerous track. It was now or never. The time for the final step of her master plan had come. Time to say goodbye, for now.


	5. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piper and Nicky struggle to cope with what's happened to Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly from Piper's perspective, with a section of Nicky's too.

It had been two days since Alex’s _‘accidental overdose’_ , as they were calling it, and Piper had finally gained permission to see her. She was still in shock. The call had been so out of the blue; Nicky had rang in a flood of tears so bad that it took a while to actually get the message across. When Piper had understood, a ringing had started, blocking out every other sound as the world crashed down around her, and she was still in that adrenaline-fueled state of dissociation. The only thing that mattered in the universe was Alex. _Alex. What the fuck was going on?_

The time since the phone call had been dedicated to a déjà vu-filled quest for information about her lover. She had spent endless time in conversation with prison and hospital staff, frantically trying to find out what was happening and when she could visit. Thankfully, her first call to the prison had told her that Alex was alive, something that Nicky had been devastatingly unsure about. How could this be happening? Alex was strong and usually kept herself under control, not wanting to draw attention to herself. Piper couldn’t think or understand what might have lead her wife to overdose, but she was grateful that she would now get the chance to talk to her and give her the chance to explain. She desperately wanted to understand and help in any way possible. 

However, upon arrival at the intensive care ward, Piper almost passed out when she was met with the comatose form of the woman she loved so much. The officer stationed outside the little room nodded Piper in as she gingerly made towards the doorway. The nurse had said she was critical but stable in her coma, which was really a lucky scenario following a heroin overdose, but nothing could have prepared Piper for this. 

“Oh, Alex!” She sobbed as she took as seat and gently held the limp, pale hand in front of her. It felt so wrong seeing her hooked up to all these machines, appearing lifeless and somehow small on the hospital bed.

She sat by her wife’s side for as long the time allowed (which wasn’t very long), holding and kissing her hand as she spoke softly to her. This one-sided conversation was extremely alien, but it was easier than Piper had expected- once she started talking, she barely stopped, hoping that Alex could hear her, wherever she was. Hopefully the sound of her voice bought peace and comfort to the sleeping beauty. 

*** 

It was visitation time, and for once, Nicky had a visitor. Although it was for a terrible reason, she still relished in the fact that Piper was taking the time and effort to see her. It was evident that they both needed a friend at the moment. 

“Hey Nichols.” Piper’s soft smile with her gentle voice gave Nicky an immediate sense of warmth that she had been lacking for days now.

“Hey Blondie.” Nicky returned the smile. “So, did you get to see her?” 

Piper nodded, her face instantly turning solemn. “Yesterday. She’s.. she’s in a coma, Nicky.” Tears welled in her eyes as she spoke, looking up at Nicky as if searching for an answer. 

“Oh, Piper.” Nicky felt voice wavering as her own emotion threatened to show. “I honestly don’t know what to say. She was having a much harder time than she let on, I guess. I should have listened!” Her sudden outburst shocked them both, but she continued. “I saw her that day, so fucking high, and she wouldn’t stop going on about how much it helped, how shit her life was without the escape.. fuck. I shouldn’t have left her alone.” The tears were falling now as Nicky’s confession hung in the air.

“No, Nicky, listen.” Piper placed her hand on the glass, reaching out to her. “It wasn’t your fault, okay? Do not blame yourself.” This caused her to look up into the woman’s eyes, staring for tell-tale signs of lying, but there were none. Piper’s face displayed only sadness and empathy. 

“You don’t blame me?” 

“What? Of course not! Surely you of all people know it’s nearly impossible to get through to Alex when she has her mind set on something.” The sadness deepened. 

“I just.. I can’t believe she would do that.” Nicky looked down. 

“It’s not like she hasn’t been down this road before.” Piper paused to think. “But I’ve been wondering whether maybe she _didn’t_ do this.” Her words sent a nasty prickling feeling down Nicky’s spine as their eyes locked, both thinking the same thing. It would make sense, given how set Alex’s roomie seemed to be on destroying her. Shit. 

Before long, Nicky was back in D-Block, awaiting the dinner call. She couldn’t get her mind off the possibility of Alex’s cell mate sending her over the edge. Albeit non-fatal, it was still something the bitch would do to try and break her friend. Overdosing seemed way out of character for Alex, and a seemingly accidental one even more so- Vause knew her shit well. Nicky made a mental note to seek this Ryan character out next time she was in D-Block vicinity, maybe, just maybe, she could get some answers. 

*** 

Piper collapsed onto the bed in the hotel room. She’d decided to stay near to the hospital in case anything changed, and also to escape her overbearing family. Since leaving prison, she’d been staying with her parents, which was almost worse than her incarceration. No, she didn’t mean that. She loved them really. 

This situation with Alex was terrifying, and Piper worried about what would happen when Alex was sent back into prison. What would her cellmate do? If she was actually sent back to her cell and not to psych.. holy fuck, what if she was sent to psych?! She made an urgent mental note to warn Alex when she came around. But piper couldn’t just sit and watch this situation unfold, no. She needed to do something to help Alex. So she fired up her laptop and started researching the only thing she could think of that wouldn’t break her promise regarding staying out of trouble: She needed to get Alex out of there altogether. After all, she was let out before, and then Piper got her back in.. oh how _stupid!_ This was all her fault. Maybe she could get them to see that. Hopefully? It was worth a shot. 

*** 

It had been just over two weeks, and Piper was starting crumble. Alex was still in a coma, and although her readings looked positive, she remained unresponsive as ever each time Piper sat by her side. She had also visited Nicky a couple more times for updates, and ultimately to support each other. She would let Nicky know how Alex was doing, and Nicky would update her on the situation with Ryan inside. It would seem that the girl had indeed given Alex the extra dose, but she was well connected, and anything they did could have severe repercussions, both inside and out. 

Piper had spent a lot of time working on getting Alex out, but it wasn’t looking good. Every lawyer told her the same words she dreaded hearing, and they wouldn’t listen to her protests. She had been staring at her laptop for hours and her eyes were slowly shutting when she suddenly jumped back to consciousness, feeling her new cell phone buzzing. It was still a strange sensation, having not experienced technology for so long. Panic surged through her when she saw that it was the hospital

“Hello, is this the next of kin for Ms Alex Vause?” 

“Yes, it is, is everything okay? Has something happened?” They hadn’t rung like this before. 

“Everything’s fine, great, in fact. She’s showing signs of waking up.” Piper couldn’t contain her relief and excitement at this news. “Now, strictly speaking, I shouldn’t be calling you as she is, of course, an inmate of a maximum security prison, but I thought you deserve to know. Visiting hours start in 20 minutes, now get yourself down here!”

Piper was extremely grateful to the nurse who had thought better of the system and seen Alex as a person. In any other circumstance, the hospital allowed unrestricted visiting hours for ICU patients, but the system refused this for prison inmates. Piper would stay by Alex’s side indefinitely if she could, waiting for news and progress, but as she couldn’t, at least someone had the decency to call. 

The journey to the hospital was short, and Piper included a quick visit to a nearby store for a card and some flowers. Cheesy or not, at least it would brighten up the depressing room that held her wife. 

“Hey, Piper, isn’t it?” A young, blonde woman pulled her to the side of the corridor on her way in. Piper nodded. “We spoke on the phone, I know I told you to come but perhaps you shouldn’t go in there just yet.” She looked nervous, and Piper felt it.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Her voice came out much quieter than she had intended.

“She came around nice and slowly, as can be expected, but immediately went into a full blown panic attack upon regaining full consciousness. She didn’t have a clue where she was or why she was here, and started screaming and trying to detach herself from the machines. So we had to sedate her, and my colleagues are still with her as we speak, trying to talk her down.” She took a deep breath. 

“But I could go in and help? I know her better, I’m her _wife_.” Maybe not, legally, but that part was irrelevant. Alex needed her. 

“The situation just may be quite a shock for the both of you. That’s all.” 

Piper was shaking her head. “No. Let me see her, please.” She looked pleadingly at the woman, who gave in and led her to Alex’s room. 

“Please try not to make her anymore agitated.” The nurse sighed as she opened the door and gestured for the two other hospital staff to leave. 

Alex let out a huge sob as she looked up and saw her approaching. “Piper.” She sniffled, tears running down her cheeks as she looked up and their eyes met. 

“Alex.” Piper was crying too. “It is so good to hear your voice again.” And with that, she leant down over Alex and embraced her. Their lips met for a warm, gentle kiss that lingered perhaps a little too long for the amount of tears that were present. But neither of them minded. Piper stood up to place the flowers in a handy vase and then proceeded to hand Alex the card, gaining a small laugh from her wife at the gesture. 

“I’ve been so.. STUPID, Pipes.” Fresh tears welled up as Alex spoke a small while later. Piper wanted nothing more than to hold her in her arms forever, protecting her from everything, and comforting her to no end.

“Alex, look at me.” Green eyes searched blue. “I want to understand, I want to be here for you. Please.. please let me.” And both pairs of eyes were shimmering with tears once more.

Piper listened and held her as Alex cried her way through telling her about everything that had gone on. She tried to keep calm and understanding as Alex described the euphoria the drugs had bought her, and how easily she been taken back in by them. She tried to be gentle and reassuring as Alex confessed her self-hatred. And she tried to keep her anger at bay as she told her about everything Ryan had done and made her do. Piper was broken for Alex.

“But something I really don’t understand, Pipes, is how I got here.” Alex sat up a little straighter, staring into the distance in a state of evident and genuine confusion.

“You.. overdosed.” Piper spoke in barely a whisper. 

“Well yeah, I got that part.” A tiny chuckle escaped. “But honestly, I don’t remember doing it. I never intended to, and I honestly never would have thought I would do it, please believe me Piper.” She was looking at Piper with sadness and concern. 

“I know.” She hadn’t planned to tell Alex just yet, but she couldn’t keep it from her any longer. “And you didn’t do it, Alex. You didn’t.” She searched for a reaction, but Alex seemed to have frozen. 

“What?” Her lips barely moved as Alex’s barely audible voice pierced the silence. “What do you mean?” 

Deep breath. “It was that Ryan bitch. She gave you more when you fell asleep... Nicky’s been investigating. Please don’t get mad!” Piper added the last bit frantically as the revelation hit Alex hard. 

“Don’t get mad? Are you serious? She tried to kill me, and now I’ll probably end up in psych and maybe even get extra time for possession. _Fuck_. Mad doesn’t even cut it.” Her voice was rising, and although she had every reason to flip, Piper didn’t want to be chucked out. 

Eventually, a calm silence fell between the pair, a mutual understanding of the pain being faced hanging in the air. They lay together on the bed, holding the other tightly, bringing about a sense of comfort that neither of them had felt since they had been separated. Neither of them said it, but they both knew that this may be the only chance they got to as much as touch each other for years. The bitter-sweetness of the moment was screaming at them, but still they lay together, silently conveying their love for each other without the need for words. 

They both jumped when the door opened and the nurse from earlier marched in announcing that their time was up. 

“I’ll forget I saw that.” She grinned, as Piper gave Alex a final kiss before getting off the bed. “Now, you need to rest.”

“But I’ve just had two weeks of that.” The grumpy complaint couldn’t help but bring a smile to her face as Piper said her goodbyes. Her Alex was back.


End file.
